It Fell Like Rain
by Everlark5
Summary: His love was not hers to hold, for she did not deserve the treasure of owning it. Everlark. Post-Mockingjay.
1. Chapter 1:Through the Window

She sat perched on the windowsill, her hand splayed across the glass counting the rain drops as they fell. It was an impossible task, but it kept her from thinking, it kept her from falling. For months she sat there and stared, stared at the impossible that laid on the ground and danced through the air. She dreamed of running outside and letting the wind guide her and twirl her. She wanted to feel the grass with her toes and smell the air of late winter, of early spring, the crispness of fall. She wanted to hear the sound of gravel as she walked across the paths that led to the houses beside her and feel the warm air on her skin as she entered. She wanted to throw herself down on the plush couches and call her friends to her and talk about anything and nothing. She wanted to smile, she wanted to laugh, and she wanted to carry on as if the world was a million miles away.

But the world was not a million miles away. It was here in her house, in the grass outside and the air around it. It swept through the houses beside her and curled from the chimneys. The world crawled on her and lived on the things she touched. The world was the clock on the wall in the parlor. Counting and ticking, almost in time with her heart, with the rain, with the unshed tears that burned her eyes.

Her dream was impossible. The years of her youth where memories, the days of happiness and laughter gone. What was there to even live for? The grass outside reminded her of Lady, the goat that belonged to her sister Prim. Time and time again she would watch as Prim sat with Lady and stroked her back as she fed. The air reminded her of the years before the war, hot summer nights, cold winter days, all shared with her sister. The whole world was her sister. In the night it screamed for her help and n the morning it kissed her cheek, telling her wake up. But as soon as she opened her eyes there was nothing, nothing but the memories of mornings of the past.

Memories. That was all she had now.

Her sister was gone, her mother was mourning in a district far away from her, and Gale was living his life without her. The only people remaining with her were Haymitch and Peeta.

Peeta.

He might have been just as far away as the rest of them. He had lived in the mind of another for so long that she wasn't certain that he would ever be the same. The boy with the bread, the boy who saved her life, the boy who loved her, was nothing but a memory.

Her life was a memory. Her life was a single rain drop that slide down the glass and blurred with the rest of the rain. Her life in the end was nothing. How many times has she thought about ways to end it? How many ways has she imagined what would take the light from her grey eyes. Life, she thought, was easy to end. People she knew, people she cared for flashed across her eyes. Countless lives; countless deaths. Every night she watched death grab these people. It had been so easy for their bodies to grow limp, and their skin to pale. For her there would be no difference.

But for the countless times she's imagined her death, she couldn't bring herself to walk the few steps that led to the knives in her kitchen or the pills in her bathroom. But as the rain poured and the clocked ticked, her resolve grew; her resolve to end it all.

She felt her legs begin to untangle from their position and felt her hand slid down the cool, wet glass of the window. She stood up and walked, her joints protesting, her muscles aching. One step, two steps, the floor creaking in time with her breaths. Step, breathe in, _creak_ ; step, breathe out, _creak._ She entered the kitchen, cold from disuse. Three steps, she opened the draw.

Inside was an array of knives varying in size and sharpness. She chose one at random, her mind blank, her body numb. She felt a sting on the pad of her thumb and wetness trailing down her hand. She looked down, the knife had pierced her thumb and hot blood trickled down it, dripping onto the floor, in time with the tick of the clock. She looked up; her eyes resting on a door down the hallway from the kitchen, leading to a room she had not been in in months. She walked. With each step, blood dripped to the floor. With each step, the clocked ticked in the parlor.

She reached the end of the hallway and grasped the knob of the door, cold metal stinging her hand. She twisted her wrist and opened the door. The room was cold, dust filtering through the air like snow. _Snow_. This is where he had sat all those months ago after the games, threatening her and her family. She could have killed him then, alone in the room. She could have wrapped her hands around his neck and squeezed, squeezed until the air was ripped away from his lungs. But she was scared then, she wasn't scared now, she had nothing to lose.

On the desk in front of her sat a vase, and inside that vase was a single white rose. _A gift_ , he had told her. She walked to it, its smell making her gage and her eyes burn. It was perfect. Not a sign of age, just pure white gleaming back up at her. She lifted her arm and positioned her wrist over the rose and raised the knife. Slowly she placed the knife on her skin and sliced a single line across. White turned to red.

Her blood flowed down onto the rose, swallowing it, strangling it. _Nothing of Snow will live!_

The faces of the dead raced across her eyes, the faces of those who were taken by the hand of Snow. Anger laced her skin and a single tear fell. "I promise", she whispered "You will not die in vain".

The last thing she heard was the sound of the knife hitting the floor and her name between a set of lips, "Katniss!"

Then everything became red.


	2. Chapter 2:Think About It

"Is she going to be ok"?

"She'll be fine boy. It was one wrist and you got there in time"

"If I hadn't walked by her house to see her move from that window…"

"But you did, quite worrying, and what in goods name made you go check on her when she moved anyway?"

"All she does is sit and stare out that window. I pass by her house everyday coming from town and see her there. And when I didn't I knew either something very good was happening, or something very bad".

"Well, I guess now all we can do is wait for her to wake up".

"We need to call Dr. Aurelius, tell him what happened".

"I know boy…"

Voices muddle their way through the fog in her mind, reaching their fingers into her head. _Shut up! Shut up and let me sleep!_ Slowly her eyes open, taking in her surroundings. She's in her bed, in her room, wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and underwear. Her head pounds and all her muscles feel like they were pulled and snapped back into something resembling what they once were.

"Oh, look who finally decided to wake up and join the rest of us. How thoughtful".

Her eyes snap up to the voice and find Haymitch leaning against the bed post, his arms crossed, giving her a pointed gaze. Beside him Peeta stands, his hands shoved in his pockets, hair tousled, and paint streaking his arms. Their gazes lock for a moment until she quickly looks away toward Haymitch, her cheeks burning.

"You really need to work on your social skills". Katniss says crossing her arms, mimicking his pose.

"Oh and I guess I should get lessons from you"?

Katniss looks away, grasping a loose string on the comforter.

"That's that I though. Don't you tell me I need to work on MY socials skills when all you do is lock yourself away in this goddamn house, never speak to anyone, never move, never do anything, and then try to paint the study red. Newsflash Peeta has plenty of paint you can use".

"Haymitch calm down". Peeta starts, placing a hand on his shoulder. "She just woke up and-"

"You think I give a damn Peeta? She did this to herself"!

She knows that Haymitch is right, knows that her bandaged wrist is her own fault. But she can't help as her defenses take over, her walls go up, and the words that slide between her lips.

"Oh ya"? Katniss's voice rings out. She looks up at Haymitch, his face red with anger, her own heating up with embarrassment and rage. "What makes you so different? How many times have you tried to drink away your life? How many days in a row did you stay hauled up in the trash heap you call a house?

"This isn't about me, it's about you". He yells, pointing a finger toward Katniss. He stops for a moment and when he speaks again his voice is softer. "I'm different Katniss. No one would give two shits if they found me dead with a bottle in my hand. You have people that still care about you. You can't just do this to the people you love". Haymitch says, his eyes sad.

"Everyone I love is either dead or gone". She spits at him

Peeta flinches. The room goes silent.

Katniss can see the hurt in his eyes, the disappointment in his posture. He looks away

"What are we then"? Peeta whispers, breaking the silence like glass, the shards spilling onto Katniss's skin. "Are we nothing to you? After all we've been through? After all we've done together!" Peeta's yelling now, his hands balled into fists. His anger takes Katniss off guard shocking her into silence. Peeta was never one for rage or anger. He was always the calm one, but after what Snow has done to him- a vase hits the wall making her jump. Peeta turns away from her and faces the door, his breaths ragged, his body tense.

"I need to cool off". And with that Peeta stalks out the room slamming the door behind him.

Katniss is silent, her eyes glued to the door that Peeta had vanished through, a faint feeling of darkness now seeping into her skin and clouding her mind. Her vision blurs, wetness trailing down her cheeks in hot angry trails. She raises a hand to wipe them away. Beside her, Haymitch moves to sit on the bed, running a hand through his long greasy hair. Katniss turns to look at him, seeing the anger that laces his face. Upon her glance his eyes softened.

"Katniss-". Haymitch started.

"Don't". She cuts him off, swinging her legs over the side of the bed to stand, her head and stomach reeling. She places a hand against the wall to steady herself. "I don't want to talk about this Haymitch".

"That's the problem Katniss, you never want to talk. You keep everything locked away inside, forcing everything down over and over again until you can't anymore and it comes bubbling to the surface. You'll die from grief Katniss, you almost did already". Haymitch stands from the bed and makes his way over to Katniss, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Call your mother. Call Dr. Aurelius".

She pushes his hand away. "My mother doesn't care about what happens to me, if she did she would be here right now. And Dr. Aurelius won't understand anything".

"Then talk to me Katniss, talk to Peeta. We know lose too".

Katniss scoffs at the idea. "Peeta probably wants as much to do with me as I do with you".

"He still loves you Katniss".

She freezes, ice running through her veins. "No he doesn't. And he probably never will, not after what Snow has done to him". Bitterness seeping through her voice

"Maybe not now, but there is no denying that he cares for you. Somewhere deep down is the same boy that saved your life, the same boy that gave you the pearl in the arena".

"I'm nothing but a burden Haymitch".

Haymitch sighs, turning to the door. Just has his hand grasps the handle, Katniss speaks.

"Who changed my clothes"? She asks

"Who do you think?" Haymitch answers.

Just when Katniss thinks he left, Haymitch speaks again, her back toward him.

"He also carried you up here from the study, dressed your wounds, and cleaned the blood from your body. He tucked you into bed and slept on the hard floor beside you. He never left you Katniss". A pause, "Think about what I said". And he's gone.

Katniss slumps to the ground, cradling her aching head in her hands. Haymitch's words crowd in her head, bang against her skull, and scream in her ears: _He still loves you, he never left you._

 _No,_ she thinks _Haymitch is wrong; he's so, so wrong._

Katniss watched Peeta as he struggled against the restraints that held his thrashing body to his bed, heard the sound of his voice when he screamed that she was a mutt. But she also saw his eyes when he placed a hand on the pocket that held her night lock, keeping her from killing herself and heard the sadness in his voice when he planted the primrose bushes. How many times had he saved her? Katniss shakes her head, _It doesn't matter, he hates you now._ And why wouldn't he, she gave him no reason to care, to help her, to come back. She had spit on him with her words, tore his heart out with vowels, slapped him with consonants. He may have saved her life, but he couldn't save her soul. After everything he had done for her, she told him she didn't love him. But she didn't love him, that was true, at least not the way he had loved her before. But the harshness of her words did not match her heart. She cared for him, there was no way around the way that their lives had been tangled, no way around the friendship they once had. It lingered still, the memories of the train and of the sunset on the rooftop of the tribute center. She was still his ally, and he deserved to be hers too.

Finally Katniss stands up and makes her to the bathroom adjoined to her room. She flips on the lights and stares at herself in the mirror. A mess of tangled hair rests on her the pale skin of her hollow cheeks, illuminating her tired stormy eyes. She glances to the crisp white bandage wrapped around her skinny wrist. "Thank you", she whispers.

Whether it was to Haymitch or Peeta, she did not know.


	3. Chapter 3:Sunsets and Sorrows

_"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever". Peeta says, shifting his gaze toward her, his blue eyes bright and sincere._

 _They sit on a soft cotton blanket on the roof of the tribute center, Katniss with her head on Peeta's lap, and Peeta twirling her long brown hair between his fingers._

 _Katniss turns her head to him, grey meets blue. "Okay". She says to him_

 _A smile makes its way across Peeta's lips, twirling around on his skin to dance in his eyes. "Then you'll allow it?"_

 _"I'll allow it", Katniss replies, her lips mirroring his._

 _A silent sunset creeps its way across the sky; warm reds, yellows, and oranges sweeping their fingers across Katniss's and Peeta's skin, tangling in their hair._

 _"Will you paint this?" Katniss whispers, tracing the pads of her fingers across the skin of Peeta's arm that the sunset neglected._

 _"Someday", Peeta replies. "Someday when I'm old and gray I'll think back to this moment and paint"._

 _"It's a beautiful fantasy Peeta"_

 _"Fantasies it seems are all I have left"._

 _Then he leans down and kisses her, his lips soft, just barely brushing hers. A whimper rises from the back of her throat before she buries her fingers in his hair and pulls him down, pressing her lips firmly against his, her eyes closed, heat polling of off her and him like waves. He trails his wet lips down her jaw to her throat, sucking on her pulse point._

 _"Peeta", she breathes. "Peeta I-"_

 _His lips are gone causing a protest to form on her tongue. But before it can make its way to her lips, she feels ten fingers lock against her throat. Ten fingers, two hands, one boy, Peeta._

 _Her eyes grow wide, her legs kicking and flailing underneath him, her body growing weaker and weaker by the second. She looks up to Peeta, a scream lodging itself in her throat, desperately trying to squeezed its way past the fingers tight against her skin._

 _Peeta looks down at her, hatred filling his black eyes, a sneer twisted on his face._

 _"You know Katniss, I've been wondering when you would finally die. Two suicide attempts, my own attempt reduced to nothing but a pounding headache for days, no sense of reward". Peeta laughs. "But now with no one around to save you, my real fantasy can finally come true"._

 _Tears begin to make their way down her face, hopelessness blanketing her skin like ice. Peeta's not squeezing enough to kill her yet, only enough to make her suffer, allowing for the demons of his mind to fly through his mouth and into her ears._

 _"You never where very good at saving people where you Katniss? How many people died because of you? You couldn't even save your own sister. You see, I'm doing you a favor"._

 _Peeta removes a hand from her throat, trailing it down the side of her face to trace the skin of her lips. "It's a shame though". Peeta says, sweeping his fingers down the bridge of her nose, across her cheeks. "You have such a pretty face"._

 _And the blade she didn't even know he had comes down._

She wakes with a start, a scream leaving her lips; her heart pounding, threatening to break its way out of her chest.

"Katniss! Katniss!"

A figure burst its way through her door, running up to the side of her bed, crouching down and placing a hand on her arm. _Peeta_. She screams, tearing her arm away from him and scoots to the other side of the bed. The blankets twist around her legs as her back hits the headboard. "Stay away from me!" She cries, bringing her knees up to her chest, eyes wide and feral. Peeta remains at his crouched position on the other side of the bed, his arm in an outstretched position.

"Katniss its ok, its ok. You were dreaming. I won't hurt you. Please Katniss come back to me".

She shakes her head. _No! He'll kill me, he'll kill me!_

Peeta reaches out to her, her hands go to her throat.

"No Katniss, it's not real, it's not real. You're safe. You're ok. I won't hurt you."

Katniss stills, her labored breaths the only sound in the air. She searches his eyes expecting to see black pupils staring back at her, but all she sees is blue as they gaze at her, cloudy with tears. _It's not real_ , she chants to herself. _It was just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…_

A sob escapes her lips and she falls apart.

Hot tears run down her face like a storm, sobs racking her body. Peeta gathers her into his arms, pulling her into his lap rocking her back and forth, whispering quiet words into her ear. She tries to fight him, the lingering visions from her dream threatening to take over, but she's too spent, too tired, too desperate for a touch she didn't even know she wanted. She doesn't know how long they stayed like that, her nested in Peeta's arms, tears staining his shirt. She just lets him hold her and whisper until the tears turn to mist. Katniss looks up; red-rimmed eyes meet her own through the darkness.

"Oh Katniss", Peeta cries, his voice cracking like thunder.

"I'm ok", she whispers, her voice unsure. "I'm ok"

She untangles herself from Peeta's grip and moves to sit beside him.

"Do you want to talk about it"? Peeta's voice rings through the darkness.

Katniss sighs, staring at her hands, hundreds of questions flicking against her tongue and pushing against her teeth. "Why are you here"?

Peeta recoils, his eyes moving across her face in the darkness.

"I stayed". He answers.

"You stayed"? Katniss asks, confusion and disbelief playing with her mind.

"I was afraid", he starts. "I was afraid of what you would do if I left, if no one was here to save you this time".

Katniss's dream rams against her skull, pulling the images of her nightmare to the forefront of her mind. _But now with no one around to save you, my real fantasy can finally come true,_ Peeta's voice sneers in her head.

She squeezes her eyes shut.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" Peeta places his hand on her check.

"My dream. In my dream you wanted me alone so… so", her voice cracks. "So no one could save me. So you could kill me".

Peeta pulls her toward him, crushing her body against his. "No Katniss. I would never, I would never…"

"But you're hear now", Katniss gasps. "You're here now and you want to save me. You always save me Peeta. Why", she cries. "Why can't you just let me go?"

She throws Peeta's arms off of her, wiping viciously at her eyes.

"How can you look at me? How can you hold me? All my life I've taken your feelings and burned them. This morning I told you I hated you. I'm fire Peeta. I walk around and burn everything I touch, I kill everyone I know. I take the hearts of my friends and crush them. You most of all. Don't you understand that I deserve to die!"

She shatters the walls around her; she breaks the floor like glass, and cracks the windows like paint. Her words fly through the bedroom, burning.

Peeta grabs her wrists and faces her. "No, no Katniss. Don't you ever say anything like that again do you understand? You deserve a life, you deserve to live. More than anyone I've ever know."

"I've killed people Peeta".

"You've saved people Katniss. The world is free because of you. The world is free because of your fire."

She looks away, tears threatening to flood the room

"Look at me Katniss", Peeta demands. "Goddammit Katniss look at me"!

She turns her head, grey meets blue.

"I care about you Katniss. Haymitch cares about you. Your mother cares about you". He takes a deep breath. "Prim wouldn't want this for you. She would want you to be happy. Hell Katniss I want you to be happy. Don't let them die in vain."

Her eyes widen. "You heard me?"

Peeta nods his head. "They wouldn't want this".

They stare at each other, a thousand thoughts running through Katniss's head, so many words to string together.

She breaks her gaze first. She looks down to her wrists, Peeta's hands still encircling them. He follows her gaze and releases them, moving from the bed to stand up.

"Peeta". She calls out.

He turns to face her. "Yeah?"

"I don't want you to go".

Peeta begins to makes his way to the bed. "Then I'll stay"

"But I don't really feel comfortable…" She trails off, studying the sheets around her. The idea of sharing a bed with someone is so foreign to her; the idea of a comfort that intimate is too much for her. She had spent such a long time trapped between the four walls of her mind alone, that the idea warmth is frightening.

"I understand". Peeta starts, looking down.

"But I don't want you to go and I don't really want you sleeping on the hard floor either."

Peeta stands there for a moment, his hands shoved into his pockets. He still wears the same clothes from this morning. Paint probably streaking his arms. Then he breaks out into a grin and begins to pull the blankets from the bed.

"Peeta what are you doing".

"I have an Idea". He says, his arms full with pillows and blankets. "Follow me".

Katniss stays rooted to the spot on her bed.

"Do you trust me?" Peeta asks.

Katniss looks up. "Yes, yes I trust you".

Peeta's smile returns. "Then come on".

Peeta makes his way down the stair, Katniss trailing close behind. He stops at the parlor, throwing everything down. "Couch or chair?" He asks.

A foreign smile spreads across her lips. "Chair", she answers. "But first…" Katniss makes her way to the fireplaces and runs a hand across the clock on the wall. She pulls it free and hold it in her hands, its ticking reverberating across the room. Without a second glance she throws it into the fire.

She turns around to find Peeta staring at her, a question in his eyes. She says nothing, just grabs a pillow and blanket and makes her way to the chair. Peeta settles down on the couch beside her.

"I can't remember the last time I slept on a coach. Probably during a sleepover when I was younger". Peeta says, one hand behind his head, the other resting on his stomach. "This is kind of like a sleepover if you think about it".

"I've never had a sleepover before". Katniss whispers, her eyes trailing from his.

Peeta props himself up on and elbow, "Never?" He asks.

"I didn't really have any friends". She shrugs, tracing patterns on her blanket with her fingers

"You deserve a hundred sleepovers Katniss. One day I'm going to show you what a real sleepover looks like, complete with popcorn, ghost stories, and truth or dare".

Katniss laughs but doesn't say anything, she just turns into the chair and pulls the blankets up higher.

When she finally hears Peeta's breaths begin to even, she whispers into the darkness, "Goodnight Peeta".

He whispers back, "Goodnight Katniss".

 _A/N- I would like to thank everyone who has read, followed, favorited, and reviewed this story. It means the world to me and i just can't thank you all enough. Happy reading!_


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